Comments on: A Different Kind of Self-Care

By: What Else is Hard « Jane Pollak’s Blog

What Else is Hard « Jane Pollak’s Blog — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 02:41:08 +0000

[...] got several comments on my recent post about saying “no”. Seems like it struck a chord, particularly among women who are so [...]

By: janepollak

janepollak — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:41:21 +0000

@Jackie, Terry, Laurie and Diane

I didn’t realize this was such a popular topic and that we all give a lot of consideration to how we say “no.” Thank you, each, for your additional thoughts, wisdom and kindness.

By: Jackie E-S

Jackie E-S — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:15:42 +0000

It’s all too often just plain hard for me to say ‘no’. I struggle with the right words to soften the way. At what expense? — I am still wasting time on something that I should rather be doing! What a great idea for having a handy “one liner’ to handle (most) situations. Love the “I don’t do that”. Slight variations are “No, I don’t do that” (just to practice the word ‘no’, lol). And “Sorry, I don’t do that” to give the soft touch (if, and only if, I really am sorry). Thanks Jane for letting me re-think this and making a commitment to myself to do better in the future.

By: Terry

Terry — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 01:02:44 +0000

We can all use reminders on this one! One of the best pieces of advice I ever read about saying no: don’t try to give any reasons or excuses for your “no.” We women especially tend to say, “No, I’ve got to help the school that day and I’m so busy with duties at work” etc etc. If you add those excuses, it weakens your stance. So, you should just say: “No, I’m sorry, but I really can’t.” You can add “at this time” as Lisa suggested if you wish.

By: Diane

Diane — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 18:58:37 +0000

Hi Jane
A very good friend of mine once said: “No” is a complete sentence. What a concept! I try to say no in a way that hopefully the person asking for my time will receive as an explanation rather than as rejection, i.e., “Thank you for asking, but at the moment my schedule is too full to take on another commitment.” The person asking may still feel rejected, but I know how much I appreciate a “kind rejection”, so I try to do the same. I also let people know that I’ve resigned from the superwoman committee. What a relief!! This is such an important lesson for women who feel the need to be all things to all people…all the time!
Diane

By: janepollak

janepollak — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 18:38:21 +0000

@Aprille

That’s such a good question to ask. A part of me always wants to be the hero, but at what cost? Thank you for bringing it back to this fundamental issue.

By: Aprille Janes

Aprille Janes — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 16:40:44 +0000

Hi Jane,

A great discussion that I’ve commented more about it on my own blog and linked back to you, hoping to generate more discussion. I hear this issue from my own clients over and over – difficulty with the word no. When someone is in caretaking mode over a ‘no’ I always ask “Who is getting lost in this?” Wen they look more closely, they realise they leave themselves out of the equation if they say ‘yes’ when they really mean ‘no’

Thanks for starting the discussion!
Aprille

By: Gigi Goldman

Gigi Goldman — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 14:21:20 +0000

I find it easier to say no when I remind myself that by saying NO to one thing I am saying YES to something more important to me. For example, when I say no to some planning meeting at 3pm it means I am saying YES to being with my children as they come home with all kinds of news from school.

By: janepollak

janepollak — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:38:41 +0000

@Gini

Thanks for sharing this. I used to overcommit my time regularly and then resent it. Looking at my schedule these days I see only things I love doing and service I enjoy giving. Feels great!

@Lisa

I love the simplicity of this. Thanks for sharing the wisdom you learned from Paul Newman.

By: Lisa

Lisa — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:22:01 +0000

One of my favorite ways to say no is a phrase that Paul Newman used to decline autograph requests: I don’t do that. When I’m approached with a work request that I want to decline, I just say “I’m sorry, but I don’t do that.” Sometimes I add “at this time” if I think I’d like to in the future.