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When I was going through the certification process to become a coach, I was assigned a supervisor who listened to my taped conversations with clients and evaluated my performance. I understand the value in this activity and couldn’t recommend a better process. But, the grading component had me nearly catatonic. My fear of receiving a check minus was so profound I became deaf to whatever good things the supervisor said.
Being a glutton for punishment, but also an avid learner, I’m coming up to another supervisory session soon for coaching teams and relationships–the newest category I’m adding to my repertoire. I’ve been present for my colleagues’ evaluations, and they’re not that hard to hear. But something about being graded has me shaking.
Here’s what I’m going to do about it. I’m going to make a request. Instead of check, check plus and check minus for the skills that are present, well done, or handled incorrectly or marginally, I’m going to offer the supervisor my own grading system. Instead of a check I want to hear “yes”–that skill was used during the coaching. Instead of a check plus implying that there was a higher level of skill than merely usage I’d like to hear “well done!” And, if a skill was mishandled or not handled with proficiency, instead of check minus I’d prefer to hear, “not really”.
I know! It’s all semantics, but how things are worded has impact. Who doesn’t prefer hearing that there are ”challenges’ rather than ‘problems’?
By the way, the New York Times has instituted its own new evaluation scoring for restaurants. Now, instead of Excellent, Satisfactory, etc., the ratings are: Don’t Miss!, Worth It, In a Pinch and Don’t Bother.
Reading those inspired me to create my own system, too.
I received this note card the day before Thanksgiving from a colleague who participated in two of my Mastermind Groups last year. We are both (I’m confident Pam feels this way, too) proud to share Mount Holyoke College alumnae status with Emily Dickinson whose quote was featured on the card.
Pam Toner is a crackerjack Realtor enjoying a resurgence of business in part due to the tax credit that’s been put in place recently. She likely sends this particular card out to her entire sphere of influence because the message is resonant and makes the recipient feels they are a friend. Its impact on me was exponential because of our college connection and the quote she chose to represent her.
Pam’s written message inside shared her gratitude for my blogs and newsletters which made me feel like a queen. Will I spread the word about this woman? I just did!
But I heard Mark Tannenbaum speak at a networking lunch today and he put something in a way that caught my attention. He said that time is our only non-renewable resource. Money can be replaced when you run out. What business owner hasn’t experienced this phenomenon? Energy can too–just rest and more will come. But time is its own thing. Once it’s gone, that’s it.
Made me think of the Billy Crystal play I saw a few years back called 700 Sundays, the approximate number of Sundays Crystal got to spend with his father who passed away in Billy’s youth. I remember his making an analogy to having 700 marbles in a glass jar and moving them one at a time to another jar to demonstrate how precious each one was.
Fortunately, most of don’t know how many marbles there are remaining in our own jar (or anyone else’s). But it can be both sobering and invigorating to choose when and how to spend our time.
It all started when I noticed that my book Soul Proprietor had a different jacket representing it on amazon.com. Then I saw that it was no longer ranked and that copies didn’t seem to be available except through resellers. Odd, I thought. What’s up? When I called to order more copies from the publisher, it was days before I got any response. Weird.
The publisher had changed hands twice since it was originally published in 2001 when Crossing Press had made the deal with me. They were subsequently bought by Ten Speed Press who is now owned by Random House. My one title was lost in the shuffle. After several weeks of phone calls and emails I was told that my book was not going to be carried on their lists anymore.
Rather than being upset or depressed, I was actually elated. I am anxious to reprint it myself, update a few of the lessons and change its look. That’s one of my goals for 2010.
Today I signed for and picked up the express mail envelope containing the final document from Ten Speed Press. The rights have officially reverted to me. Not sure many authors are happy when such a thing happens, but I am.
I took a wonderful aqua strengthening class this morning and was impressed by the instructor’s positive attitude. Here we were: eight women in a pool, not world class athletes he may also have the privilege of training. I’ve attended this class only on an annual basis when I come to this particular facility and have often had this teacher. He’s memorable because not only is he very handsome, but his name is Blaze (not pictured above, but the enthusiasm is similar). Who could forget that?
I asked him at the end of the class how he keeps it so lively and engaging. After all, he’s on dry land while we’re in the pool kicking and splashing. It’s different than many classes where the instructor participates and breaks a sweat. I could imagine that it would get old. But it felt like he was having as good a time as we were. I wondered to what he attributed his positive attitude.
“Caffeine,” he joked at first. But then he described how he had worked for GE for a number of years downsizing departments which wasn’t much fun at all. He made a conscious decision to choose a different way of life and joined the staff at this spa. “I like making people happy,” he added. “I can see them enjoying themselves, and that gives me back so much.”
Right after that class I headed for my computer where I opened an email from communications expert Debbie Fay. Her newsletter this month is entitled Audience Abuse: Don’t be a perpetrator. And here’s her first sentence:
The first thing you must do as a presenter is (drum roll please) CARE!
Whether you’re speaking to an auditorium filled with a thousand fans or conducting an exercise class for eight women, you gotta care. It shows.
I just got off the phone with a client and wanted to share an issue (with her permission) that came up. It has a very familiar ring to it. I know it will benefit many of you, especially with the holiday season upon us.
She talked about a closed door on the subject of family obligations. “It is what it is, and that’s all that can be said about it.”
Of course I had to ask, what if it were different? What if family obligations weren’t a source of conflict or frustration?
Her mood brightened noticeably. She had never considered the alternative.
What if she said “no?” What if there was a previous commitment?
“Then it would be easier,” she said.
I assigned her the task of writing ‘previous commitment’ on every page of her calendar from now until the first of next year as a reminder. She almost couldn’t wait for that phone call when she could put this to the test. “Bring it on!” she laughed.
I remember feeling not in control of my time when it came to my family of origin. I was always on call for their needs. When someone pointed out to me that I had a choice, I didn’t get it until they provided a visual metaphor. “It’s like there’s a door between you and the doorknob is on their side.” Once I understood it in that way I mentally installed the doorknob on my side and stopped playing the victim.
Last night over a 100 women came to the Fairfield Museum to be a part of Erica Green’s dream event–The Big Connect. Erica shared her idea with me a year ago over lunch at Bloodroot (my favorite vegetarian restaurant). What’s so great about her concept is that you get it immediately. The tag line is “100 women you want to know better.” Don’t you want to go?
I knew that I wanted not only to attend, but also to have a booth space. I dusted off my trade show set-up and arrived early to put everything in order.
TFI Envision helped me with my re-branding a few years ago and included these banners which are noticeable from across a large room. I met great women and got a sense of what’s going on in the community at large.
At about 9pm Erica gathered everyone in the main exhibition room to say a few words. She shared her vision, which I just loved.
“When I was in Mexico,” Erica told us, “I was taken with how the women would create their own marketplace by setting up their wares. I thought, ‘we can do that, too.’ And tonight my vision has come to be.”
She went on to thank everyone who had been instrumental in making the event happen (everyone there essentially, Erica said) and a special thank you to her daughters who also helped and attended. “Is Dad in the car?” Erica asked as she introduced her younger daughter who had come towards the end. We got the sense of how the family had supported Erica throughout her creating this vision.
“Instead of the Big Connect, they’ve called it the Slow Connect.” There was compassionate and knowing laughter throughout the hall.
Linda Ross and I walk at Compo Beach every Tuesday morning at 6:30am. With the recent time change the scenery has shifted. We’re hitting the shore now just as the sun is coming up. As we rounded the bend yesterday on the Oenoke Park section of our course, we witnessed the most serene and inspiring view across the marsh.
I stopped Linda, as we are always completely engrossed in conversation and often miss the beauty around us, and pointed to the setting on the other side of the shoreline. She made a comment that touchingly captured what we were seeing and deepened my awareness of meditation and mindfulness–what I’ve been focusing on lately.
“We have to become perfectly still, just like the water, so that we can see our true beauty reflected back to us,” she said.
Ah, again. That getting quiet piece/peace. I know for some people it’s very scary to be still. They’d rather do anything than sit in silence. But the truth is, it’s hard to be reflective when you’re in the middle of the flow.
I took away great value from my short stay at Kripalu a couple of weeks ago, especially in the area of accepting what presently is in my life. In a 1-hour session on mindfulness with Randal Williams, I heard much to reinforce and to help deepen practices I’ve been using.
Before the recession hit, my business life was full of activities, all heading in the direction of my passion, but at such a frenetic pace I never had time to be still and evaluate what I was doing. There was so much going on that sticky issues would easily get bypassed because something new and exciting was coming to replace it.
Yes, I’ve always had my Mastermind Group to run things by, and I speak regularly to an action partner. But now there are longer gaps, quieter times and bigger questions that time has allowed to surface. Are you finding yourself with open spaces of time to mull your direction and wonder what’s next?
In Randal’s handout, he noted that ‘What helps to lift us out of our suffering is our infinite capacity to become the transcendent witness: I can see myself having this experience. This witness ability is strengthened through meditation.’
Separating myself out from the businesswoman who is experiencing pain or suffering because an outcome wasn’t just so is essential to my peace of mind and my success.When I have a phone conversation that has my heart racing I practice what I’ve been taught. Here’s an example of the self-talk conversation:
“I’m noticing that my heart is racing. I just got off of a disappointing call that wasn’t quite what I expected. Look at this. My breath is really fast and shallow now. I’m feeling constriction in my chest. And, I’m sitting here on this glorious fall day, seeing the sun shine and being aware of these sensations. Now, what was I so scared about?”
Notice the beginnings of detachment already happening? The more we can practice this mindfulness in our businesses, the happier, more serene and ultimately more successful we’ll become.
Anyone who has ever been to Toastmasters knows that public speaking is the #1 fear in the United States ahead of death and spiders. There’s something about getting up in front of an audience that fills us with dread.
Just last night I was coaching a collective of women and asked each to share her perspective. The first person to raise her hand said, “I’m terrified of public speaking, so I thought I’d get it over with by going first.” I hear this ALL the time.
I have the good fortune of knowing Janet Esposito, who has not only conquered her own fear of public speaking but also has written two books on the subject. We met, not surprisingly, at one of Lee Glickstein’s speaking circle workshops at least a decade ago.
Her most recent volume just came out and is available on her website.
Janet leads workshops, coaches individuals and conducts teleclasses, so there are many ways to tap into her talent and generosity of spirit in helping you overcome this paralyzing fear.
