doorknobI just got off the phone with a client and wanted to share an issue (with her permission) that came up. It has a very familiar ring to it. I know it will benefit many of you, especially with the holiday season upon us.

She talked about a closed door on the subject of family obligations. “It is what it is, and that’s all that can be said about it.”

Of course I had to ask, what if it were different? What if family obligations weren’t a source of conflict or frustration?

Her mood brightened noticeably. She had never considered the alternative.

What if she said “no?” What if there was a previous commitment?

“Then it would be easier,” she said.

I assigned her the task of writing ‘previous commitment’ on every page of her calendar from now until the first of next year as a reminder. She almost couldn’t wait for that phone call when she could put this to the test. “Bring it on!” she laughed.

I remember feeling not in control of my time when it came to my family of origin. I was always on call for their needs. When someone pointed out to me that I had a choice, I didn’t get it until they provided a visual metaphor. “It’s like there’s a door between you and the doorknob is on their side.” Once I understood it in that way I mentally installed the doorknob on my side and stopped playing the victim.