Thoughts of coulda, shoulda, woulda flashed through my head last Thursday evening as I waited for the endless rainstorm to convert to snow as had been predicted. I had postponed my event for that night after hearing the dire predictions measured in feet of snow, not inches. I knew there would be women coming from the far reaches of Connecticut and did not want to put anyone in harm’s way. So I picked a new date with host Marjory Abrams, let the caterer know it would now be held on March 15, then proceeded to contact everyone on my list via e-mail and phone.
I missed one person who called me from the appointed location at 5:30pm to inquire about the event. Seems I had completely missed her registration and had not entered her on my list of attendees. She never got a phone call or an e-mail message with the change-of-date explanation.
I didn’t see her name on the list and thought the error was on her side. When she got home she forwarded me her receipt which had inexplicably never made it to my Outlook inbox. Stuff happens.
I immediately called and apologized, but the aftermath of my error stayed with me. I was mortified. I beat myself up.
Then I had a good talking to with myself. I’ve learned an acronym for SHAME: Should Have Already Mastered Everything. I learned that well growing up. The message I would hear was something like, “And of course you know that…” which set me up. If I did know, it was self-evident that I should, and if I didn’t know, well, there was no excuse. I learned to fake it or keep my mouth shut. Neither an appealing option.
Here’s what I said to myself on Thursday: Jane, you did the absolute best you could. You handled this situation as you would respect someone else’s handling of it. And you made a mistake. You called the person, offered to make good on the error and apologized from your heart. That’s enough. Move on. Do something now that feels good to you. And I did.
What ways do you make amends for human (or other) errors in your business relationships?
(BTW, there are still a few spots left for this Remarkable Women’s Network event at Boardroom in Stamford on March 15.)
16 comments
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March 1, 2010 at 11:21 pm
Lennie Rose
Jane,
Last week I got dressed in cream wool and pearls. Parked at the valet, walked into the hostess stand and was ready to find my party and present to a group of 50 people- as I’d been invited to speak. There was no party, no one knew why I was there and apparently I was the only guest and VIP all at the same time.
The event was canceled and since I was the speaker I was the only one NOT on the email list.
Ah good spirits prevailed. I quickly got on the horn to the hub – who was in a cab on the way to the subway. I screamed, “tell the cabby to pull over! Where ever you are, I’m on my way!”
We ended with the perfect night – martinis & salads and cream wool. Things happen – goofs happen- Oh well and here’s to living imperfectly beautifully pain in the &%&$# lives!
Lennie Rose
March 2, 2010 at 8:09 am
The Buzz - Diane James Home
As women, we tend to beat ourselves up when we let something slip through the holes or inadvertently make a mistake. When this happens, we try to treat the event in the same way we would treat someone who has upset us: forgive and release. So it’s better to forgive yourself and release the event from your mind in order to move on than to sit and dwell on something out of your control.
- The Buzz -
March 2, 2010 at 8:46 am
Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave
Good one! When I’m digging my soul out of some mire of self-induced SHAME, the best shake for me is to remember the amount of WASTE (second to SHAME and just as power-filled) and energy I’m spending.
March 2, 2010 at 5:30 pm
janepollak
@Lennie Rose
Amazing story, and what grace on your part! I aspire to that kind of poise. Thank you for sharing it. Who woulda thunk it?!
@Catherine,
Ah, I see you’re familiar with those voices. Thanks for the echo!
@The Buzz,
I like your simple formula of forgive and release. Great mantra. Thanks for commenting.
@Julianne
Point well taken! Thanks for showing the relationship between those two useless energy vampires.
March 4, 2010 at 10:26 pm
Krisrina Foreman
Hi Jane, love to read everyone’s comments, it helps me know I am not alone in the crazy world of business. I have beaten myself up at times for ” Making mistakes”,[ even to panic attacks thinking I'd repeated them ] . But it has been a life of learning that I am not perfect and can only do what “I” am capable of doing – NOT what someone else is able . Knowing this has set me free of beating myself up, but I do have to remind myself often. Some how I still find myself not perfect and it keeps me humble to say ” I am so sorry, I messed up ” ! [ again] Kristina Foreman.
March 4, 2010 at 7:54 am
Ann Brett
Hi Jane: In my 13 years as a massage therapist I have only had two flubs which were my fault; Once I actually forgot I had a 8:30 a.m. client and she was a new client – she phoned my cell from outside my locked office door – and I was mortified – immediately I offered her a free massage at her convenience (marketing 101) and when she came for the massage she insisted on paying for it – she felt so good.
The other time was when I double booked – my longer-standing client offered to come back the next day – and I offered her half off – which of course she would not hear of.
People know when you are coming from a good place -just fess up – make an offering and move on!! Ann
March 4, 2010 at 8:07 am
Beth Frede
Jane, what a great reminder….
I love your message to not only let go of the negative thoughts/feelings, but to go and do something that makes you feel good. I think that giving myself permission to do that will help me change gears much more quickly. Not that I’m looking forward to “messing up”, but I think the next time it comes up, I’ll have a powerful tool for overcoming the “Why-did-I-do-that?” blues.
March 4, 2010 at 9:01 am
Beva
What a great TA DA!! xo Beva
March 4, 2010 at 11:08 am
wendy
As women I do think we are pretty dominant in the blame and shame dept.
With computers I actually think more errors occur than before. I have my Yahoo account through British Telecom (don’t ask); often, I think because of the time differences, things in my “in box” are out of order eg. they weren’t there 10 minutes ago, then they inexplicably appear further down the list, as if they arrived yesterday. I know now to wade through everything to make sure I didn’t miss something.
I am sure you felt dreadful for not having this woman on your list, most people would! And, as you said, bravely, most of us would assume it was her fault and not ours. I think that is perfectly normal. The trick, like you said, is to apologize, make amends and let it go….
It is also about living in the present. We can’t undo what happened, all we can do is go forward.
March 4, 2010 at 11:52 am
Katie
It happens to all of us at some point, that glitch that adversely effects someone else. It is a reminder to be forgiving when we get jilted. When we are on the other end I know guilt doesn’t do anyone any good. I just went t o a marriage conference last weekend and there was an idea that I think applies here. After saying “I am sorry”, what really makes the difference is: “What can I do to make it right?” Maybe offering a spot at no charge in another program of the persons choice would create a win win feeling, and help you to feel closure & compensation in a good way.
March 4, 2010 at 12:11 pm
Johanna Nilsson
Hi Jane,
I have a sort of similar situation when I had missed an order from my (OldCo) website. After a burglary and lossed password information, and no activity on that site for a long period of time, I had not logged in to the email account for a couple of months. There were emails back and forth from the buyer and from paypal, and what I did to mend my error, was to reimburse the buyer and send the CD for free.
I didn’t hear from him afterwards, but I felt that I had done all I could.
All the best,
Johanna
March 4, 2010 at 4:36 pm
Faith
Jane, You handled your situation and your self perfectly, nicely done!! I have a question for Lennie, how did the group that asked her to speak handle their mistake?!? Faith
March 4, 2010 at 5:44 pm
@LenaWest
Jane, thank you for sharing this story. My former coach once told me something that was VERY enlightening. I was feeling down about something I had failed to do and as a result, I had let someone else down. Also during this time, I was in the middle of moving from one house to another, hiring a new assistant (for the THIRD time) and life was, in general, in flux.
While I was kicking myself one day, my coach said to me, “Why do you think you’re better than everyone else?”
It gave me pause and I was close to being offended. I asked him what he meant.
He asked me would I expect someone, who was going through everything I was experiencing in my life at the time, to not make a simple error. Of course, my response was, “No.”
When he asked me why I felt I was so important that I had to be held to a different standard than anyone else, it was like someone turned a light on in a REALLY dark cave.
I remember that to this day and ask myself that same question when I have a “shame” moment.
March 4, 2010 at 6:30 pm
Michelle Hazlewood
This isn’t business related but I thought I’d gotten over the shame monster until last weekend. I figured it would be more economical to get a motorcycle for my next transportation mode. For that, I needed to take a motorcycle class. I aced the written test, something I expected of myself. I mastered the new skills pretty quickly out on the road range. Right before the practical test we were all lined up in preparation. I did the “worse” thing someone could do there…layed my motorcycle over….and worse yet, from a stopped position! I could not believe I had done such a stupid thing. The instructor called everyone over and said that they don’t teach falling off a bike but if one ever did, I was a perfect example of how to do it. Somehow, I gently laid the bike down without a scratch and swung my right leg across ending in a standing position. The compliment didn’t make me feel much better. I did terrible on the first portion of the test as all I could think of was keep the motorcycle up instead of the task at hand. Fortunately I was able to shake it off enough to redeem the rest of test. It did take a couple days to shake it off completely.
If anyone has read this far, I hope at least it provided some entertainment….
Cheers to all!
March 29, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Lisa Braithwaite
It’s painful to feel that I’ve let someone down, but especially a client who, in my mind, expects even more from me than other people. But it’s not productive to dwell on the mistake once it’s happened and I’ve done what I can to make it right.
I recently left a group coaching member standing outside the locked door of our meeting space in the cold for who knows how long before she finally left. The staff of the company whose space were were using had told me the door to the building would remain unlocked (after locking me out first), and it was far enough away that we couldn’t hear any knocking.
I checked my phone to see what time it was halfway through the session and found two text messages from the woman standing outside. But by then she was gone. I, of course, just thought she couldn’t make it and hadn’t been able to call first.
I felt HORRIBLE. I called her as soon as I could, but only got her voicemail, so left her a message and an e-mail offering a free individual coaching session. She was gracious, although disappointed to miss our last group session.
I’m not using that location any more.