Comments on: SHAME – A Lurking Enemy of Good

By: Lisa Braithwaite

Lisa Braithwaite — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 20:41:06 +0000

It’s painful to feel that I’ve let someone down, but especially a client who, in my mind, expects even more from me than other people. But it’s not productive to dwell on the mistake once it’s happened and I’ve done what I can to make it right.

I recently left a group coaching member standing outside the locked door of our meeting space in the cold for who knows how long before she finally left. The staff of the company whose space were were using had told me the door to the building would remain unlocked (after locking me out first), and it was far enough away that we couldn’t hear any knocking.

I checked my phone to see what time it was halfway through the session and found two text messages from the woman standing outside. But by then she was gone. I, of course, just thought she couldn’t make it and hadn’t been able to call first.

I felt HORRIBLE. I called her as soon as I could, but only got her voicemail, so left her a message and an e-mail offering a free individual coaching session. She was gracious, although disappointed to miss our last group session.

I’m not using that location any more.

By: Krisrina Foreman

Krisrina Foreman — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 02:26:17 +0000

Hi Jane, love to read everyone’s comments, it helps me know I am not alone in the crazy world of business. I have beaten myself up at times for ” Making mistakes”,[ even to panic attacks thinking I'd repeated them ] . But it has been a life of learning that I am not perfect and can only do what “I” am capable of doing – NOT what someone else is able . Knowing this has set me free of beating myself up, but I do have to remind myself often. Some how I still find myself not perfect and it keeps me humble to say ” I am so sorry, I messed up ” ! [ again] Kristina Foreman.

By: Michelle Hazlewood

Michelle Hazlewood — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:30:56 +0000

This isn’t business related but I thought I’d gotten over the shame monster until last weekend. I figured it would be more economical to get a motorcycle for my next transportation mode. For that, I needed to take a motorcycle class. I aced the written test, something I expected of myself. I mastered the new skills pretty quickly out on the road range. Right before the practical test we were all lined up in preparation. I did the “worse” thing someone could do there…layed my motorcycle over….and worse yet, from a stopped position! I could not believe I had done such a stupid thing. The instructor called everyone over and said that they don’t teach falling off a bike but if one ever did, I was a perfect example of how to do it. Somehow, I gently laid the bike down without a scratch and swung my right leg across ending in a standing position. The compliment didn’t make me feel much better. I did terrible on the first portion of the test as all I could think of was keep the motorcycle up instead of the task at hand. Fortunately I was able to shake it off enough to redeem the rest of test. It did take a couple days to shake it off completely.
If anyone has read this far, I hope at least it provided some entertainment….
Cheers to all!

By: @LenaWest

@LenaWest — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 21:44:16 +0000

Jane, thank you for sharing this story. My former coach once told me something that was VERY enlightening. I was feeling down about something I had failed to do and as a result, I had let someone else down. Also during this time, I was in the middle of moving from one house to another, hiring a new assistant (for the THIRD time) and life was, in general, in flux.

While I was kicking myself one day, my coach said to me, “Why do you think you’re better than everyone else?”

It gave me pause and I was close to being offended. I asked him what he meant.

He asked me would I expect someone, who was going through everything I was experiencing in my life at the time, to not make a simple error. Of course, my response was, “No.”

When he asked me why I felt I was so important that I had to be held to a different standard than anyone else, it was like someone turned a light on in a REALLY dark cave.

I remember that to this day and ask myself that same question when I have a “shame” moment.

By: Faith

Faith — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 20:36:24 +0000

Jane, You handled your situation and your self perfectly, nicely done!! I have a question for Lennie, how did the group that asked her to speak handle their mistake?!? Faith

By: Johanna Nilsson

Johanna Nilsson — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 16:11:46 +0000

Hi Jane,

I have a sort of similar situation when I had missed an order from my (OldCo) website. After a burglary and lossed password information, and no activity on that site for a long period of time, I had not logged in to the email account for a couple of months. There were emails back and forth from the buyer and from paypal, and what I did to mend my error, was to reimburse the buyer and send the CD for free.

I didn’t hear from him afterwards, but I felt that I had done all I could.

All the best,
Johanna

By: Katie

Katie — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:52:09 +0000

It happens to all of us at some point, that glitch that adversely effects someone else. It is a reminder to be forgiving when we get jilted. When we are on the other end I know guilt doesn’t do anyone any good. I just went t o a marriage conference last weekend and there was an idea that I think applies here. After saying “I am sorry”, what really makes the difference is: “What can I do to make it right?” Maybe offering a spot at no charge in another program of the persons choice would create a win win feeling, and help you to feel closure & compensation in a good way.

By: wendy

wendy — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:08:05 +0000

As women I do think we are pretty dominant in the blame and shame dept.
With computers I actually think more errors occur than before. I have my Yahoo account through British Telecom (don’t ask); often, I think because of the time differences, things in my “in box” are out of order eg. they weren’t there 10 minutes ago, then they inexplicably appear further down the list, as if they arrived yesterday. I know now to wade through everything to make sure I didn’t miss something.
I am sure you felt dreadful for not having this woman on your list, most people would! And, as you said, bravely, most of us would assume it was her fault and not ours. I think that is perfectly normal. The trick, like you said, is to apologize, make amends and let it go….
It is also about living in the present. We can’t undo what happened, all we can do is go forward.

By: Beva

Beva — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 13:01:38 +0000

What a great TA DA!! xo Beva

By: Beth Frede

Beth Frede — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 12:07:08 +0000

Jane, what a great reminder….
I love your message to not only let go of the negative thoughts/feelings, but to go and do something that makes you feel good. I think that giving myself permission to do that will help me change gears much more quickly. Not that I’m looking forward to “messing up”, but I think the next time it comes up, I’ll have a powerful tool for overcoming the “Why-did-I-do-that?” blues.