A colleague recently shared her young assistant’s admiration. “You have it so together,” the 20-something cooed. If only she knew, my friend thought to herself. Her second thought was, I’m glad I’m projecting that image.
As a coach and active networker, I’m privy to what goes on behind closed doors. I can say without hesitation, nor fear of revealing anyone’s dark secrets, that every professional I know harbors thoughts of being an impostor at times. The key here is when and where you choose to reveal the shadow side of being a pro.
I attended a networking event in NYC last summer. One of the women there was holding an infant on her shoulder. This is unusual in terms of business networking. But it was also a magnet as I love babies. I went up and introduced myself to the woman and asked her about her baby. The mother was a successful attorney, and this was child #3. “Yeah, my jerk of an almost ex-husband disappointed me AGAIN tonight, and I had to bring her with me.”
This is an example of how to blow the myth in front of the wrong audience. While I was sympathetic to her situation, I had only just met her and was hearing deeply intimate information. It was repellant because we had not established any sense of relationship. Put simply, it was weird. Why was she dumping this information on a stranger at a business event?
Here’s an insider tip for all pros. Be sure you have safe harbors to go to for the internal feelings that may compromise the external appearance. I do believe in “act as if”, and the best recommendation I have is to tell your truths, superficial or deeply felt, regularly to a trusted friend or ally, as my colleague had done with me, rather than blowing the image inappropriately.
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February 24, 2011 at 7:43 am
Beth Frede
It can be hard to keep all the parts of our lives going in balance. I feel for the woman, but I also think she missed a perfect opportunity to stand out -in a good way- at this networking event. If she’d been gracious, and played into the other attendees being drawn to her baby, wouldn’t that have been a whole different experience for all involved?
February 24, 2011 at 10:09 am
Lennie Rose
Thanks for articulating this. Repellent is such a great word. It’s TMI (too much information) and pandemic. Whether connecting or reconnecting, a vitriolic blurt or deep dark revelation belongs in the sanctum of dear ones. Jane, I’m looking forward to your topic that springs from this: grace and boundaries.
February 24, 2011 at 8:52 pm
janepollak
@Beth
I felt for her, too, but her anger superseded her nurturing skills and dominated the encounter.
@Lennie Rose
Great suggestion! I see beautiful examples of these all the time. Thank you.
February 25, 2011 at 11:28 pm
Julie
My first reaction was, “How sad for that child!” and my second, “How sad for the mother.” Yes, we are women entreprenuers, but we are often so much more.
The primary reason I became an entreprenuer was so that I could have a flexible schedule in order to be available to my children and husband.
My daughters are now young adults, and I am blessed to have close relationships with both of them, as well as many wonderful memories of our time together.
As entreprenuers, we can set a good example for our children of blending work and family.
February 27, 2011 at 3:35 am
Lisa Braithwaite
After a year of hiding my “deep dark secret” of the resurgence of debilitating panic attacks, I decided to open up to my audience of blog and newsletter readers, and Twitter and Facebook fans.
I realized that many of these people share a similar concern — public speaking anxiety — which is why they read my writing in the first place. While public speaking is not an anxiety trigger for me, I realized that my experiences, struggles and strategies could actually help people, and that I was serving my audience more effectively by being real and up front rather than hiding this big part of who I am.
I did worry that I might appear “weak” or “not together” and blow my carefully sculpted image. But honesty won out, and I have not regretted it for a minute. However, I deliberately chose the time and place to share my story by debuting it as a three-part series on my blog on the anniversary of my most acute attack and emergency room visit. The story was then picked up by a local newspaper and reprinted.
Now, when I write articles about solutions for anxiety, my readers understand that I’m not just talking theory, but that I experience it myself and can relate to their struggles. I’ve gotten so many great blog comments and e-mails from colleagues and strangers, that I know I made the right decision.
There is a time and place for everything. Choose the how and why carefully and think about who you’re serving by revealing your secrets. If it doesn’t benefit your clients, colleagues or audience, save it for your confidantes!
March 10, 2011 at 6:51 am
Katie-- Katie Settel Photography
Jane, what a great post. I was so excited when I began reading. I was thinking, WOW, she can do it all! I was proud of her for being brave enough to bring a child, and still be in her professional mode. IMPRESSED.
Then she fell victim. Imagine if she decided to act as if she could juggle both a child and a career, in public, with dignity and grace…
I think I would have cooed to her.
The “act as if” has carried me so far. The most incredible part I find is, that if you keep practicing it, you soon begin to believe it!
Thank you Jane for staring off my day in a most positive way.
March 10, 2011 at 9:36 am
Suzen Pettit
It becomes especially tricky with Facebook being such an integral part of our daily personal and now professional life. The lines are easily blurred and maintaining that professional “act as if” image becomes increasingly more of a challenge!
March 10, 2011 at 9:57 am
Janice Weinstein
Thanks, Jane. As I read this, my entire body felt repelled by her comment. The pure polarity of holding a baby, and hearing the comment… I think the key is finding of the balance of being real, and knowing our boundaries, and censoring them at all times in a business situation.
We all make choices as to what comes out of our mouths…true colors often show!
March 12, 2011 at 7:46 pm
janepollak
@Julie
Thanks for expanding on this post. Your children are very lucky.
@Lisa
You are a very courageous and generous woman.
@Katie
All she needs to master is editing
I guess there’s always something we women entrepreneurs get to focus on. Thanks for sharing the impact of this example.
@Suzen
You’re so on target. It’s a daily decision–How much exposure is appropriate/desirable? Thanks for mentioning it.
@Janice
My feelings exactly. I wanted to move away from the conversation as quickly as possible.