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I’m back! The most significant takeaway from my wonderful trip to Mexico and California was that for the entire week at Rancho La Puerta I was fully present and never thought about home, work, responsibilities, finances, 2012 or anything other than what I was currently engaged in at the moment.
I just said to a friend in conversation that it was like a really good night’s sleep with amazing dreams that are now positive deposits in my energy and happiness bank accounts.
The Ranch, as it is called by repeat visitors, is exquisitely landscaped. It is impossible to see too far down any road because of the twists and turns, high hedges and dense foliage. Truthfully, I kept getting lost because there were no visible landmarks to center me. I found out late in the week that the layout of the 3000+ acres was intentionally created to prevent left-brain thinking (which is the linear side?). Anwyay, it worked.
I delivered my two talks there and successfully and motivated several participants to live into their dreams, particularly around performing. I love that look of terror and delight when I encourage an audience member, for instance, to call the caberet she wants to perform at by January 5.
I’m also happy to be back. I love the life I’ve created for myself which includes working with amazing women entrepreneurs, having time for self-care, and especially time for my friends and family.
I’m taking the afternoon off to see Hugh Jackman on Broadway with my daughter Lindsey knowing that I’ll spend tomorrow afternoon in the library completing another module of my webinar program. I’m so grateful for the flexibility of creating my own schedule and the generosity of my employer.
Happy New Year to you all!
I had invited a friend from NYC to have dinner with me one evening several months ago. We spoke earlier in the day to nail down her arrival time at the Westport train station. She said, “I’m not really accomplishing anything now because I’m already in ‘leaving’ energy.” I loved that!
Sometimes the energy of an upcoming experience or holiday shapes our current moments and renders us happily useless to accomplish other tasks. I say, give in to that energy and let it wash over you.
As I shopped Whole Foods this afternoon for salad ingredients for my Thanksgiving contribution tomorrow, I knew that I was not going to get back to my desk to work on my next webinar module. I was going to relax, enjoy a call with my coach, meditate and have a light dinner. I also bought a ticket to see the 3-D version of Hugo, the new Martin Scorsese movie.
May the joy of Thanksgiving and the energy you feel around this special holiday fill you and carry you throughout the weekend.
On a coaching call today the topic of setting limits came up, especially with children living at home. I told my client that when I began practicing Transcendental Meditation (TM) almost 20 years ago, my instructor provided me with a sign to hang on the doorknob of my bedroom where I practiced TM. It let anyone approaching know that I was busy and couldn’t be disturbed.
The first week or two I would hang the purple laminated sign on the knob and yell down to the kids, “I’m meditating now. Don’t bother me for the next half hour.” They didn’t.
I continued to hang the “I’m meditating” sign outside my door day after day. Until I realized that my kids immediately respected my wish and maintained that respect and quiet from Day 1. My shouting down to them and hanging out the sign was a reminder to me. I’m doing this. I deserve to take this time. I want you (Jane) to know that I (Jane) am doing a discipline that requires my focus. My family got it on the first try. It took me several weeks to notice that I didn’t need to repeat myself or try so hard.
On a designer house tour years ago I came upon an elaborately decorated upstairs bedroom with a 4-poster bed and canopy, a dozen attractively mismatched pillows and one very long rectangular pillow in front of the rest. It was needle-pointed with a one-word message: TONIGHT. (We asked the docent to show us the reverse side. It was also needle-pointed: NOT TONIGHT.)
When you set a limit, know that it is as much for you as for those around you.
You’ve got to see this!
My brother Andy Goodman was invited to participate in a Rant performance in Los Angeles. He chose to talk about our mother and what her death meant to him. Hard to believe that he turned it into an hilarious 10-minute talk which I want to share with you. Not only do I want you to see my brother’s extraordinarily smart and talented performance, but I also want to open the kimono a bit to show where I come from.
Warning: There is a 30 second intro by someone who is not my brother. Be patient. He’s worth the wait. Let me know what you think. My favorite bit is the Nautilus reference…
I don’t do well at buffets. Talk about leaving money on the table! Too many temptations, not enough appetite.
When faced with all those opportunities–antipasto, salads, entrees, cheeses, soups, veggie platters, not to mention entire dessert stations, I contract. I feel less than and anxious that I’m not able to consume as other patrons do, and that they’re getting more value for their dollars, enjoying the experience more and feeling completely satisfied. Talk about comparing my insides to others’ outsides. Now there’s a losing formula.
So it is with the class I’ve been taking over the summer months. It feels like a smorgasbord. There are the weekly modules that run 2-3 hours each every Friday afternoon at a time when I’m thinking about the weekend ahead. I can download them anytime and listen at my leisure. Fair enough. But then I already feel behind. There’s an accompanying PowerPoint download (aka google doc) with tons of links to be understood and digested.
Throughout this experience, I’m tasked with creating my own webinar, marketing it, partnering with others and, to really get the most from the sessions, attending others’ free webinars to get the gist of the medium.
On top of the weekly lessons, there are support calls with a coach and others in the community. Plus (are you full yet?) there are online communities on linkedin and facebook with a stream of dialogue that penetrates my inbox hourly. I also signed up to be part of a support group which meets an additional hour a week. There’s tremendous bang for the buck in terms of my investment, but I’m realizing, I’d rather have the bite-sized gourmet portions, thank you.
Oh, and when I was on Monday’s coaching call (with 38 other attendees) there was a ‘chatroll’ with streaming dialogue amongst us. The leader threw out a networking question–e.g. What do your clients like best about you?–for us to chat about. It felt like a speedway to me.
I had a coaching call with my wonderful coach on Monday afternoon. I was totally overwhelmed by 5pm having had that whirling dervish community conversation earlier in the day.I didn’t know which end was up and almost canceled our call because I thought I’d be better served using the time to try to get a handle on my coursework.
She likened my state of being to the Apple computer’s wheel of death. It’s going and going and you’re not sure if it will ever stop.
We talked about what’s really important to me right now. One word came to mind. Chloe. My daughter and son-in-law gave birth to my first grandchild a month ago. I’ve seen her several times, but know how extremely precious these early weeks and months are for her and her parents. I want to spend as much time with them as I can. The only thing coming between me and that vision is the buffet of choices my course is laying before me.
With my coach’s astute and loving guidance, I decided to take a break. Yesterday I didn’t open one message, attend a call or look at my notebook or online training module. Boy, do I feel great today. Not surprisingly, I may actually spend an hour listening to the current lesson, but I don’t have that internal pressure building inside me to load up my plate.
And where do you think I’ll be this Friday? You guessed right. In the park with little Chloe.
I occasionally allow myself the joyful distraction of online videos, particularly if they’re sent by one of my kids. I say occasionally because the temptation is frequent. Laura, my youngest, sent me this link to something called Grand Rapids LipDub. She and I share a devotion to Improv Everywhere, so she knew I’d take time to watch this clip with a similar feel. I loved it and hope you will, too. It represents qualities I’m passionate about living in this country of ours–the spirit of community, the freedom to create and the joy of that freedom in evidence.
I posted it on my Facebook news feed and got a comment from my Virtual Assistant, Valerie, who lives in Grand Rapids. I didn’t know that since her mailing address has a different name listed (Wyoming)–kind of like Rowayton being part of Norwalk, which not everyone knows. Valerie knew all about the LipDub and had even been invited to participate.
She wrote me a detailed message about the planning of the event and why she wasn’t able to participate. Everyone in Grand Rapids knew about it and could be in it, but Val had already made plans with friends for that weekend as well as commitments to her family soon after. She was marshalling her resources. I shared her detailed account of all this with Laura who immediately wrote back and said:
“So cool! Shows she must be a good assistant because she doesn’t blow things off for other things.”
I, too, admire Val’s values and love that Laura underscored them in her response.
While waiting for my friend Patty to arrive for our coffee date recently I observed a young family interacting. Mom and Little Sister were taking care of personal needs in the ladies room. Dad and Big Brother were negotiating the order and table arrangements. An argument ensued over the choice of venues. Dad said to Big Brother, who was all of 4 years old, “When you go to work and make all the money, you can decide where to eat.”
Whoa, Brother! I almost did an intervention, but restrained myself. What kind of a message was he laying on that child? Is that how it works in his family? The one who brings in the income is the decision-maker. What did that little boy hear? Dad is all-powerful and money rules? It gave me shivers, and my body doesn’t lie.
What were the formative messages you heard as a kid regarding money? Some of mine were, “No one will ever pay for one of your eggs.” “That’s too much to charge.” “What am I, a money tree?” Would love to have you share the conversation you heard around money and how it impacted you personally and as a business owner.
While doing a Discovery Session with a new client, she said that her gremlins weren’t necessarily voices of negativity as is common with most of the women I work with. “Who do you think you are?” and “You’re not that good.”
Instead, what prevented her from moving forward with her vision were the emergencies of others. “Wow!” I thought. To have that kind of self-knowledge is impressive. Most people see themselves as victims of circumstance. This smart woman recognized that her fire-extinguishing behaviors and charitable acts of kindness were sabotaging her own momentum. In order to actualize her visions, she may have to put others’ necessities in their proper place–behind, not in front of, her own desires.
Let’s talk about other people’s emergencies for a minute. Can you relate? Having to drive a child’s overdue assignment to the school office? Filling out a form for another capable family member who hasn’t gotten around to it, and the deadline is nearing? Taking on a leadership role in a volunteer organization because someone’s mother is in the hospital and she had to step down? Any warning flags flying here?
Several years ago, although in my gut I can feel it like it was yesterday, I had tickets to a matinee in NYC. I was meeting a friend, and I was running late. I had driven into the city and had to unload my car and get to the theater before 2pm. I saw a parking lot a couple of blocks from the theater. There were several cars ahead of me, so I got in line, my temperature rising as I watched the parking attendant take his time with each person in the queue. My face, I’m sure, reflected my annoyance. I believe the attendant slowed down intentionally, simply to get back at me for projecting so much hostility.
I was at my wit’s end by the time he got to me. “Boy, this really took a long time,” I all but screamed at him. “I’m going to be late for my show. It doesn’t seem to matter to you that we all have shows to get to.” (I don’t think I actually said that, but I felt like it. )
The guy must have been reading some self-help books that I had not yet become apprised of. He said, “Don’t make your lack of planning become my emergency.”
I made it to the theater in time for the curtain, but was fuming throughout the first act. I hostilely repeated his words to my friend without getting much sympathy back as I recall. By the end of Act 2, I had digested the experience. By the time I’d had a cup of tea and walked back to the parking lot, I was ready to apologize, which I did. His look softened as he handed me my keys.
Do you play the role of victim because you haven’t put your plans into place in a way that serves you? Are you letting others’ priorities or necessities block out your precious time? Have you felt trapped behind your own prison bars, even though there are openings to your left, right and behind you?
When you begin to take full responsibility for your own heart’s desires and put your own plan into place, the ordinary gremlins and the ones that come disguised by others’ requests will subside. Action is the magic word. Take some.
A colleague recently shared her young assistant’s admiration. “You have it so together,” the 20-something cooed. If only she knew, my friend thought to herself. Her second thought was, I’m glad I’m projecting that image.
As a coach and active networker, I’m privy to what goes on behind closed doors. I can say without hesitation, nor fear of revealing anyone’s dark secrets, that every professional I know harbors thoughts of being an impostor at times. The key here is when and where you choose to reveal the shadow side of being a pro.
I attended a networking event in NYC last summer. One of the women there was holding an infant on her shoulder. This is unusual in terms of business networking. But it was also a magnet as I love babies. I went up and introduced myself to the woman and asked her about her baby. The mother was a successful attorney, and this was child #3. “Yeah, my jerk of an almost ex-husband disappointed me AGAIN tonight, and I had to bring her with me.”
This is an example of how to blow the myth in front of the wrong audience. While I was sympathetic to her situation, I had only just met her and was hearing deeply intimate information. It was repellant because we had not established any sense of relationship. Put simply, it was weird. Why was she dumping this information on a stranger at a business event?
Here’s an insider tip for all pros. Be sure you have safe harbors to go to for the internal feelings that may compromise the external appearance. I do believe in “act as if”, and the best recommendation I have is to tell your truths, superficial or deeply felt, regularly to a trusted friend or ally, as my colleague had done with me, rather than blowing the image inappropriately.
Many clients approach me with the decision to write a book. Kristin is the only one in my memory who got the job done within the exact targeted time she had scheduled–copy in hand! This is a remarkable, and I have to add fearless, achievement. There are so many obstacles along the way. I watched Kristin skip, hop and pole vault over each one.
Here it is in Kristin’s words:
“I don’t think I feared the book process at all. When we channel fear & anxiety, we can actually create an exciting adventure!
The book process, for me, was very exciting – yet still a huge learning experience. As it was my first book & I decided to self publish, I learned there is much more to the publishing process than I had imagined. The piece that made the biggest impact to me was to hire the right people (a coach (you!), an editor, a graphic designer, and a printer) … and to have an amazing support system to help cheer you on. When you are passionate about what you have written, & about message you want to get out to the world, the process becomes an exciting adventure (just like my book!). Each of us have amazing gifts to share — the challenge, sometimes, is discovering what our unique gifts are. But, once we uncover this, we are ready to share it with everyone … especially when the things we share help others!”
I happily endorsed the book with this paragraph–
Who better than Kristin Andree to tell America’s carpooling working women how to better manage their lives? In her book Don’t Make Me Pull This Car Over: A Roadmap for the Working Mom, Kristin acts as your cheerleader and coach. As you work through her exercises and are inspired by her examples, you’ll see that Kristin walks 100% of her talk. Readers will benefit from her wisdom as well as the Southern charm with which she dispenses it. Andree tells it like it is. You won’t mind the hard stuff because this motivational mama has gotten to the other side and is pulling you over–in a good way.
The book can be purchased via my website: www.andreemedia.com or via the books website: www.dontmakemepullthiscarover.com
