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While doing a Discovery Session with a new client, she said that her gremlins weren’t necessarily voices of negativity as is common with most of the women I work with. “Who do you think you are?” and “You’re not that good.”
Instead, what prevented her from moving forward with her vision were the emergencies of others. “Wow!” I thought. To have that kind of self-knowledge is impressive. Most people see themselves as victims of circumstance. This smart woman recognized that her fire-extinguishing behaviors and charitable acts of kindness were sabotaging her own momentum. In order to actualize her visions, she may have to put others’ necessities in their proper place–behind, not in front of, her own desires.
Let’s talk about other people’s emergencies for a minute. Can you relate? Having to drive a child’s overdue assignment to the school office? Filling out a form for another capable family member who hasn’t gotten around to it, and the deadline is nearing? Taking on a leadership role in a volunteer organization because someone’s mother is in the hospital and she had to step down? Any warning flags flying here?
Several years ago, although in my gut I can feel it like it was yesterday, I had tickets to a matinee in NYC. I was meeting a friend, and I was running late. I had driven into the city and had to unload my car and get to the theater before 2pm. I saw a parking lot a couple of blocks from the theater. There were several cars ahead of me, so I got in line, my temperature rising as I watched the parking attendant take his time with each person in the queue. My face, I’m sure, reflected my annoyance. I believe the attendant slowed down intentionally, simply to get back at me for projecting so much hostility.
I was at my wit’s end by the time he got to me. “Boy, this really took a long time,” I all but screamed at him. “I’m going to be late for my show. It doesn’t seem to matter to you that we all have shows to get to.” (I don’t think I actually said that, but I felt like it. )
The guy must have been reading some self-help books that I had not yet become apprised of. He said, “Don’t make your lack of planning become my emergency.”
I made it to the theater in time for the curtain, but was fuming throughout the first act. I hostilely repeated his words to my friend without getting much sympathy back as I recall. By the end of Act 2, I had digested the experience. By the time I’d had a cup of tea and walked back to the parking lot, I was ready to apologize, which I did. His look softened as he handed me my keys.
Do you play the role of victim because you haven’t put your plans into place in a way that serves you? Are you letting others’ priorities or necessities block out your precious time? Have you felt trapped behind your own prison bars, even though there are openings to your left, right and behind you?
When you begin to take full responsibility for your own heart’s desires and put your own plan into place, the ordinary gremlins and the ones that come disguised by others’ requests will subside. Action is the magic word. Take some.
One of my clients is in that long, dark hallway that seems to lengthen and dim as a huge deadline draws near. She has been relentlessly working toward her vision. Opening day is soon. Her gremlins have formed choruses and are serenading her hourly.
“She” is actually a collage of several of my clients who are about to manifest big time, but are on the precipice of belief today. Is it really possible to have this dream? The answer is YES. It just doesn’t feel that way.
One of the tools I give the amazing women I work with is called metavision–taking a helicopter view of what their lives look like rather than the magnifying lens perspective.
All of my clients excel at the microscopic details of getting the job done. They’re exceptional at their crafts, remarkable in their abilities to attract and utilize the skills of others to assist them, and uncommon at accepting responsibility and responding to the needs and wants of others. They’re visionaries when it comes to how their talents can make this world a better place.
Where I need to guide each of these wonderful women is in pulling back from the day-to-day operations and having them look at the big picture. What does your life look like from 5000 feet up? Who’s in the picture with you? Do you like what you’re doing? Are you having fun? What’s the scenery surrounding you? Is this where you want to be?
Often, they are so caught up in the dailiness of production that how they’re living their lives is overlooked. When, on our call, we shoot up and look at what’s happening below, there’s an energy shift, a recognition that this is what they’re meant to be doing. It’s not easy, but it could not be any other way.
All of my clients love what they do. (It’s a prerequisite of working with me.) Where they need my help is believing that the miracle is coming, especially in today’s uncertain economic climate where everything has a longer lead time than in the past. Whether and when it will arrive is not guaranteed, but the daily journey is where we can take responsibility. Your attitude and outlook inform your mental and physical health and your fortune.
The adage tells us it is always darkest before the dawn. Will you stay the course of the long dark night of the soul?
While I did skip a few classes at InfusionCon, I made sure to be in a front row seat for Brian Tracy‘s afternoon keynote on Wednesday. He’s a hero of mine. I listened to his audio programs (on tape!) repeatedly when I was sitting in my art studio for hours on end decorating eggs. How to Master Your Time and the Psychology of Achievement taught me skills and disciplines that I have continued to practice for 20 years.
Here are some new ideas I picked up or was reminded of:
- The two biggest problems for business owners are sales and balance.
- If you come up with an idea that works, your competition will steal it. [It's not personal; just the nature of business.]
- ALL business skills are learnable. (I have to remember that one around my twitter resistance.)
- The #1 issue for small businesses is cash flow.
- Fewer than 5% of businesses make the $1 million mark.
- The difference between marketing and selling: Marketing is getting people to raise their hand; selling is converting them to buy yours (taking the money out of their pockets and handing it to you).
- The most important word in business is ASK! For the sale, but also about what you don’t understand or need help with.
- The English translation for “Let me think it over”–when selling, is “Goodbye forever.”
- It’s important to know the demographic of your customer, but it’s more important to know the psychographic–what are their thoughts, feelings, fears, aspirations, etc.
- When you identify your prospect’s primary fear and remove it AND deliver what you promise, the sale is yours (e.g. money-back guarantee)
Having seen and heard this business icon, I returned home content.
My intention was to blog from the Osa Peninsula in Costa Rica where I spent a week last month. But the Universe had other plans, which it gently, then forcibly applied. Since I’m an early riser, I thought I’d post a blog or two during my stay before the morning yoga classes. Because the location was so remote, the wireless internet was spotty. Others in the group seemed to be logging on without a hitch. But my computer kept getting that little whirling rainbow thing-y. I could never get wordpress.com to do its thing.
I also tried to respond to a few emails, hoping to keep my assistant informed, but those also went nowhere. The message was clear: DO NOTHING–TAKE A VACATION. So, I complied.
What a blast! Costa Rica has to be one of the most beautiful places on earth. After traveling 13 miles from the thriving metropolis (I’m being facetious–no traffic lights, nor much signage either) of Puerto Jimenez along dirt roads (“This is the smooth part of the ride,” Ken, the leader said after fording the third river) we began our descent to Tres Palmas in first gear and 4-wheel drive. Half the adventure was navigating the one mile off-road drive into our location which overlooked the Pacific.
It couldn’t have been more beautiful.
I completely unwound. My favorite day was hiking in a primary rainforest (I’m in the blue pants in the photo.) where we climbed a waterfall, painted ourselves with facial-quality mud and saw monkeys, macaws, big bugs and trees whose sap heals wounds and burns. Meals were all prepared and served to us as a group.
I felt a million miles away, which is exactly the goal I had in mind. Now, I’m back at my desk and refueled and invigorated. I missed my wonderful clients and colleagues. Recharged, I’m excited to look at business again with these beautiful memories in my memory bank.
This is how I spent a great deal of my time there:
I’m going on vacation soon. As I get ready, I realize how important it is to schedule time off. I had no idea what kind of a winter we’d be having back in October when I scheduled a trip south for February. Now that the date has arrived, I couldn’t be happier. But, as you undoubtedly know, it takes work to go somewhere to relax.
Like hiring a cleaning lady and then organizing your house before she comes, for a business owner going away requires getting your ducks in a row. Before leaving for this trip I made sure my marketing e-blasts were written and scheduled and that my Virtual Assistant was on top of all the upcoming activities. She’ll be my only channel of communication while I’m out of the country. I recorded my out-of-office message both on my phone and my email account. I arranged my schedule with clients around this time away. I even pre-wrote blog posts to go live during this time. It was doing double-time so that while I’m on the beach, I can do nothing.
I know how important doing nothing is. For a Type A like me, I also know what a challenge it is. Yell at me if you receive an email from me between now and March 7. Zig Ziglar advises us to let everyone know about goals that are advantaged by outside monitoring–like giving up smoking or drinking or refraining from electronics while trying to relax.
The advantage to scheduling time off is that it brings into sharp focus all that’s in front of you, forces you to prioritize and delegate or plow through. Otherwise, we all just kind of go along. When clients say they want to give a workshop or have an open house, I immediately suggest they send out the invitations. The rest will take care of itself. Did you know that the English translation of the word vacation (this is a little known fact) is actually ‘deadline’?
A colleague recently shared her young assistant’s admiration. “You have it so together,” the 20-something cooed. If only she knew, my friend thought to herself. Her second thought was, I’m glad I’m projecting that image.
As a coach and active networker, I’m privy to what goes on behind closed doors. I can say without hesitation, nor fear of revealing anyone’s dark secrets, that every professional I know harbors thoughts of being an impostor at times. The key here is when and where you choose to reveal the shadow side of being a pro.
I attended a networking event in NYC last summer. One of the women there was holding an infant on her shoulder. This is unusual in terms of business networking. But it was also a magnet as I love babies. I went up and introduced myself to the woman and asked her about her baby. The mother was a successful attorney, and this was child #3. “Yeah, my jerk of an almost ex-husband disappointed me AGAIN tonight, and I had to bring her with me.”
This is an example of how to blow the myth in front of the wrong audience. While I was sympathetic to her situation, I had only just met her and was hearing deeply intimate information. It was repellant because we had not established any sense of relationship. Put simply, it was weird. Why was she dumping this information on a stranger at a business event?
Here’s an insider tip for all pros. Be sure you have safe harbors to go to for the internal feelings that may compromise the external appearance. I do believe in “act as if”, and the best recommendation I have is to tell your truths, superficial or deeply felt, regularly to a trusted friend or ally, as my colleague had done with me, rather than blowing the image inappropriately.
Leigh Scott attended my Create Your Own Future retreat three year ago this month. During that event, we had a Come As You’ll Be activity projecting forward five years from the present. That night Leigh presented herself as the successful author of a book on parenting. She’s right on schedule.
This morning Leigh showed me a copy of her proposal–the document an author prepares for a literary agent who then sells it to a publisher. I got goosebumps when I saw what Leigh had put together. It was a spiral bound book with dividers for each of the areas required in a proposal including:
- About the book
- About the author
- Marketing
- Table of Contents
- Sample Chapter
- The Competition
And more. It took Leigh nearly a year of dedicated work to prepare this draft. She made the book her priority during this time. She made other changes as well. Knowing how much time she wanted to devote to writing, Leigh looked at her whole life and chose to make changes. She downsized her living situation to reduce her cost of living, which in turn reduced how much money she needed to earn.
These were all well-considered decisions with the vision of the book serving as the achievement that would make this worthwhile. She knew that in order to accomplish this life goal, certain activities would fall by the wayside. Making writing her priority, Leigh intentionally went without watching TV for a year. She chose to make time only for what was most important–earning enough to live while writing this book. Leigh was sure to include and pay for an accountability structure to keep her on track with her writing during the process.
In describing her feeling of satisfaction and delayed gratification, Leigh told an analogous story, perfectly related to her subject matter: parenting. A young boy had poured water on his father’s laptop computer. The father, modeling the behavior of a loving authority, explained to the child that his toy tractor was going to be taken away until the little boy carried out enough chores (suited to his level of ability–like licking envelopes and putting away toys) to make up for his dad’s loss. After four months of enforcing this ‘punishment’ the debt was repaid. The father took out the toy tractor which the little boy thought was brand new. “This is even better than the one I used to have!” he proclaimed. “It goes faster and I like it better.”
When you process something step-by-step (no shortcuts), suffer the slings and arrows of the journey, the ultimate reward is sweeter. Even if you weren’t in Westport, CT this morning, you may have felt the joy radiating out from Leigh’s pleasure in accomplishment.
Watch for Leigh’s book Becoming a Loving Authority: How to Get Out of Your Own Way as a Parent. I’ll see you at the book party!
Little did I know when I told Erica Tannen that I’d like to meet her for lunch in New Haven that I was dealing with royalty. Erica, of the-e-list.com, is the doyenne of all good things along the shoreline in CT.
She recommended that we meet at Heirloom, an exquisite restaurant in the charming boutique hotel Study in the Yale environs. Shortly after we were seated, the waitress brought a delicious appetizer “compliments of the chef.” I thought, How nice! but made no association regarding the treat–like an amuse bouche that comes with, you know.
After we ordered and were enjoying the locavore salads on the menu, again the waitress came over and said, “Chef wants you to have these sides on the house.” Erica looked amused, but I was wide-eyed. “It happens to me a lot,” she confessed. As the go-to reviewer for shops, restaurants and anything of interest in this region, her name and face are famous. Retailers and chefs fall over themselves to get into her good graces. I was the fortunate beneficiary of the attention being paid Erica at yesterday’s lunch.
So, the food and generosity were amazing, but spending time with this dynamic woman surpassed even that. Erica had heard me speak a year or so ago at the Reinvention Convention at the Water’s Edge. We’ve had a correspondence since then, and this was our first sit-down. Sparks flew. We’re looking to co-create an event in the Guilford/Lyme region. Any thoughts?
In the meantime, sign up to be on Erica’s e-list so you’ll be the first to know about everything worth doing along I-95 northeast of New Haven (until Erica broadens her reach, that is!).
Jenifer Howard was the resident expert at 341 Studio’s Fresh Intelligence breakfast event this morning. The subject was online PR, at which Jenifer is an expert. While she covered the gamut of online resources and outlets, she spent a great deal of time on twitter.
She used an example of a media gaffe that happened yesterday. Kenneth Cole, the designer, had posted a tweet that within two minutes was ‘heard’ round the world, and not in a good way. The backlash was so huge that he deleted the post. But, as Jen pointed out, it still lives on the internet. The link I provided above will take you to a recount of what happened.
What I came away with after the breakfast was a renewed interest in using twitter wisely. My plan is to hire a helper for regularly scheduled ‘field trips’ to the site until I can remove the training wheels and ride alone. I’ve got my ad out there as I write…
I could go on and on about how inspiring these events are, but will share one moment that I simply savored. In mid-January I spoke at EWN on the subject of goal-setting. I included a piece where I asked each woman to find a person in the room whom she didn’t already know and share briefly a short-term goal that would take her a notch closer to a new place in her business. They were to compare notes and commit to follow up with each other on February 1.
Truthfully, I forgot about this entirely. But, at today’s event, I said hello to the woman sitting next to me as soon as the formalities were over. “You know,” she said (I’m paraphrasing…), “I was at your EWN talk a few weeks ago, and my goal buddy and I compared notes on the first. I am very excited about my goal of focusing on feeding my client pipeline, so partnering with this terrific executive coach was just what I needed.”
We’re always out there planting seeds, but when a beautiful blossom falls into your lap unexpectedly, it’s totally joyful. Whatever means of networking you’re using–online or in person–keep it up.
Although I’d never heard the expression, “open the kimono” before, I got its meaning the second my coaching buddy spoke those words during our conversation a few years ago. He was about to reveal a bit of closely-guarded information, and I was being alerted to that fact.
There was a lot of kimono opening at the NSA-CT event on Monday night where I served on a panel of four speakers who were sharing business models as well as career triumphs and tribulations.
I was in good company. My fellow panelists are my esteemed colleagues, and the audience was filled with other speakers for whom I have the highest regard. Jeffrey Scott, the current president of NSA-CT did an exceptional job as moderator.
Each of us had four minutes to introduce ourselves and speak briefly about how our businesses operated. I was completely candid sharing my income stream opportunities and where most of my income originates (coaching, not speaking, btw).
The evening was then turned over to the audience for Q + A. Jeffrey ably kept the pace upbeat and brisk and inserted provocative questions if there was a lull. For instance, he asked us each to share a memorable failure in the speaking business. One panelist described in excruciating detail (excruciating for him; enlightening for us) a situation he went into where he wasn’t 100% prepared and the discomfort that ensued. My memorable disaster was marketing my services to college art department chairs. Besides the fact that they most likely had no hiring power, my message at the time: You can make money selling your art! was probably not in alignment with their mission. I never found out because only one of the 30 I marketed to even responded…negatively.
The upside of that failure was that the head of the mentor program, where I was doing all of this preparatory work to reach my market, got to know me very well and witness my dedication and skills in marketing. She was impressed enough with these qualities that when an opportunity arose for her to recommend a speaker with those skills, I was her first choice. It resulted in my speaking for Staples stores all across the country for the next two years.
Another panelist spoke of her relationship with speakers bureaus and the less than positive taste it left after her experience with someone other than herself serving as go-between with the client. You could be years in the industry and have to suffer many hardships and learning curves to gain that one nugget of truthful experience.
The tenor of the evening was congenial and open. There was invigorating networking at the break and afterward, a telltale sign of a successful program. When the speaker and/or content aren’t filling the bill, crowds disperse post-haste. I highly recommend this format to every association that is open enough to offer its seasoned practitioners the platform to share best and worst practices with their peers. With a competent facilitator like Jeffrey, it’s a win-win event.
